Beautiful Madhouse

1. I’ve been covered in poop, pee, and puke so many times that I put GG Allen to shame.

2. I have never once hit any of my children out of anger. Lord knows there are times that I fantasized about slapping their snotty little faces.

3. I have two sets of twins, a singleton, and a teenage step-daughter. I have not been commited to a loony bin…YET. Success!

4. When sickness hits my house it’s no joke. I have a quarantine room where I banish Typhoid Mary until her symptoms subside. It’s usually a full month of sickness and I’m the head nurse on 24 hour shifts.

5. I survive bath and bed time chaos every day. I put 5 kids in the tub and them get them off to bed. If you have kids you know that this shit is no joke.

6. Dinner is like being a guard in a jailhouse cafeteria. Lots of being shanked with forks and fist fights over food. I’ve finally managed to get them to all to sit at the table which was a huge undertaking.

7. I pushed out 5 babies. Nuff said.

8. I breastfed all 5 of my kids and sacrificed having normal looking breasts ever again. Breastfeeding two sets of twins= pancake tits. I’d happily do it all over again 100 Xs. I miss breastfeeding.

9. My laundry piles would make you shudder in fear. Do me a favor and never complain about doing/folding/putting away laundry. We wash clothes for a total of 9 people. I wish a magical little laundry elf lived in my basement.

10. Because all Mommas deserve to be recognized for all the hard work and sacrifice we make every day for our children. I will continue to work my ass off so I can be the best Mommy I can. It’s the best job in the planet but also the most difficult at times. Celebrate your MOM!!! Host your own parade which just means showing your appreciation in any way you can. A parade with floats, flowers, and a marching band sound nice.

Happy 4th Birthday to my beautiful twin girls. Thank you for being my babies. I am one lucky Momma. You girls prepped me well for this whole twin thing. Never thought after having you twin nuggets that I would have another set of twins only 2 short years later. Birdie & Hazel you and your siblings are my world. Love you.

I am not writing this post to start a debate about where the best place to give birth is. Many people have amazing birthing center and hospital births. I’ve had the pleasure of attending many of these births as a doula. Please hire a doula. It makes a world of difference no matter what route you choose to take. I would have 10 doulas at my next birth if my husband would ever agree to another baby. Not Likely! I personally found the best place for ME to give birth was in my home. Looking at these two photos of my first and second set of twins really struck me the other day. The photos were both taken within the first hour of their births. The twin girls were born in the hospital and cried for the  first hour of their life. They got poked and jostled right away after delivery. I did get to nurse them within the first hour so I found that part of my birthing experience successful. The girls were born at 35 weeks and they took them for observation in the nursery. That separation was hard on all of us. I wish I knew that I had more choices during that birth. However, I am so grateful for that experience because it is what inspired me to become a doula. I took a DONA training workshop when the twin girls were less than 6 months old. I  look back to when my boys were born and I don’t remember much crying at all. They never left me for a second and they seemed so peaceful and content. I was also anxiety free though out the entire process. It helped me to have a very intense but pain-free birth. I delivered the twin boys in my bedroom and stayed in that room all day with my new babies and all my other kids splayed across the bed. It was magical. Home Sweet Homebirth.

I can list a million things to complain about. Not enough money, time, space, etc, etc, etc… But today I am not going to. I have been surrounded lately by so much loss and sadness. I will not take my healthy beautiful children for granted. Yes, I snap at them and get frustrated when they hit one another or dump juice into the turtle tank. But I am so thankful that they are all here with me on this crazy journey. I am not perfect. I am not super woman or super mom. I mess up daily. But I will try my damnedest to be the best mother that I can be. Instead of yammering on about the things that bother me I am going to start each day thanking the universe for another day that I get to be with my family. I cherish the moments when they run into the sunlight holding hands singing at the top of their little lungs about how beautiful the world is. My life is crazy busy and extremely difficult at times. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Thank You Universe!

My 18 month old twin boys are climbing everything! I can’t turn my head for a damn second. Luke has already had 6 stitches put in his lip for surfing a chair to the ground. We have NO chairs around our dining room table.  You would think that would slow them down. WRONG.  They are so different from my twin girls. I told the girls “NO” and they eventually got it. Not right away but I never had to remove the chairs from the dining room. Dinner time in our house has evolved to a new level of chaos. Where do we all sit you ask? I’m not really sure. Let’s just say it’s a bigger mess than you can ever imagine. Well, unless you have two sets of twins plus a few extra kids tacked on to insure utter mayhem. I started a series of photos documenting where I kept finding the twin boys. Usually it was Rocky so I titled it “Where’s Rocky?”. Occasionally his partner in crime Lucky Luke would join in on the daily climb. People wonder why I claim that the boys are not fit for public at this age. Here’s the proof. Enjoy the photos.

I went out with a girlfriend the other night sans husbands and it was truly eye-opening. We got hit on. It made me laugh. I honestly feel like whenever someone sees me they see a mother to a shit ton of kids.  I feel like I’m either a doula or a mother so it’s shocking when someone hits on me. If I go out solo it’s usually to meet with my doula clients or to attend a birth. I am very rarely dressed up and out in public at a party or bar without my husband. Often when we go out we go to the restaurant my husband owns. No one would dare hit on me there. The guy that hit on us was harmless, nerdy, short, and extremely polite. A very non-offensive and flattering encounter. I get very uncomfortable and end up rambling on about how I’m happily married and I’m a baby maker etc…I embaress myself often with the baby machine chatter. I guess the point I’m making that its easy to forget that you are a woman on top of all the other hats you may wear. My husband is wonderful about dishing out the compliments but it’s very hard for me to accept them sometimes. I really need to work on that. Keep em coming husband. And thanks nerdy guy for helping me remember that I’m a sexy bitch.

I haven’t posted in a while but after some of the things that have been going on in my city after Hurricane Sandy have me wanting to vent/rant.  It’s crazy how a disaster brings out the best and worst in people. I’ll discuss the worst first. I heard reports of looting on Coney Island.  At first I thought perhaps it was people who were hungry and thirsty.  Then I heard people were looting TV’s and fucking booze.  Really?  People are pulling guns on one another while waiting in line for gas.  The lines for gas are 4 hours long and are clogging all the side streets creating gridlock around the gas stations. People are cursing at one another and getting into fights.  Police officers are having to regulate the lines and keep the peace.  I had an old man yell “FUCK YOU” to me for banging a u-turn on a one way grid locked street. People are siphoning gas from other people’s cars. It’s getting crazy. All of this bullshit is going on while people are without their homes. A woman lost her 2-year-old and her 4-year-old kids in Staten Island due to a storm surge. They found their little bodies yesterday. It’s beyond my comprehension. My heart aches for this woman and her family. I am so grateful that my family is safe. I can’t stop hugging my babies. If I hear one more jerk complain about not having cable my head may pop. People become so detached from whats going on if they are in an area that is unaffected by the hurricane. They get wasted and treat the time off from work as a week-long party. Save your coke money hipsters and invest it in bottled water and warm coats for people who are displaced from the storm. Stop being so selfish and lend a hand to your fellow New Yorkers/Jersey folk.  Donate to the Red Cross. Give blood. Search local drop off spots to donate canned goods and clothing. Do something. My family now lives in Queens and we are a very short drive to the Rockaways. My husband has spent all year surfing the Rockaways. He wants to do something to help. He can’t sit still knowing that his community needs our support. His birthday is tonight and in lieu of gifts he is asking for donations. Our restaurant will serve as a donation drop off spot tonight from 9pm on. My husband is a good man with a huge empathetic heart. This disaster does bring out the good in people as well. I heard of friend’s of mine trekking out to the Rockaways with their BBQ grills to prepare people hot meals. Some other friends decided to skip Halloween trick or treating and head out to Staten island to give out bottled water. I love hearing these stories and hope that more and more people decide to lend a hand. We need your help people!

So some of you may already know that I have become an Auntie. I flew out to California to meet my little nephew Borden. He decided to make an early arrival at 36 weeks. My Mom and I flew out with my 15 month old twin boys. Click here to read that post. This sweet little man is also very lucky because he has my name as his middle name. I will try my hardest to train him to follow his namesake. My brother-in-law and sister might regret this. Hah. I am so touched and honored that he was given my name. Damn tears… Dragging the twin boys across the country was not fun but this photo made it all worth it. My boys met their first cousin. I hope that they become best friends. I think about all my cousins and how close we all are. I consider many of them to be more like my siblings rather than cousins. When we were kids we spent every weekend at their house. All of my childhood memories include my cousins. I can only hope that our kids all have the same connection we did growing up. I love you guys.

I love this time of year when you have a half a dozen kids. They get so excited picking pumpkins and choosing their Halloween costumes. I am a bit of a Debbie downer and don’t ever really dress up. I think I may need to get with the program and change that. I am not too cool for a full on costume even though I may act like it. I tend to get annoyed at all the over zealous Halloween freaks. I’m talking about the ones that spend weeks/months planning and preparing the perfect costume. It’s like dealing with a bridezilla that needs every damn detail to be absolutely perfect for one fucking day. Seems stupid to me. I also may be influenced by a few dates that I went on in my college days with a guy that worked at a year round Halloween store. He loved Halloween in a very obsessive and scary way. The dates quickly stopped once I realized he liked to wear fishnet stockings EVERYDAY underneath his jeans & doc martins. Made me steer clear of Halloween stores for a good while. I am also really bothered that every costume for women in the stores are a whore version of the actual costume. Slutty Spongebob? Really? The way we view women in this society is depressing and needs to change. Thanks goodness I am raising strong empowered women that will run this country one day. Anyway I realize that I am sucking the fun out of the holiday for my not yet so jaded children. In the long run my kids will appreciate a mother who has fun with them and shares in the festivities instead of cheering from the sidelines. Any ideas for a costume?

Okay I know it’s not the norm in NYC to have 6 kids but do you have to gawk at me with your mouth wide open? I was at the park the other day minding my own business when this lady walked up behind me and 5 of the kids and just stared with a shocked expression for a full 5 minutes without mustering even one word. I kept waiting for her to say something. She then huffed off with a disgusted look on her face.  This unfortunately isn’t an isolated incident. Even if I venture out without any kids to a grown up event like a wedding or a party I find that I get such negative responses when I tell people how many kids I have. “Oh my GOD WHY???” “You do know what birth control is right?” “Are you crazy?” I have never been a very insecure person but I am finding that these occurrences are bringing out some insecurities in me. I wonder if I am being judged or made fun of by these strangers. I never really cared in the past what people’s opinions of me were so why am I so concerned of how people view my family now? Maybe it’s because I try so damn hard to be a good parent and I’d like to be viewed as one. Not as that crazy tattooed doula lady with all the fucking kids. I don’t want to focus only on the negative experiences in this post. There are many amazing positive encounters with people who share their love of kids and big families. Many thanks to these sweet well intended strangers. I am extremely lucky and grateful for my beautiful children. All half-dozen of them. I just wish people didn’t stare at us like circus freaks sometimes. That’s all. Rant over.