Beautiful Madhouse

I don’t run a daycare.  I’m not a nanny.  I am not a member of FLDS Church.  I didn’t have fertility treatments.  I know what birth control is and how to properly use it.  I’m not insane or mentally challenged.  I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent woman. I like and enjoy my life with all of my kids.  I might even want to have another baby at some point in the future.  I’m not a circus freak show. I’m just a woman who loves being a mom. Rant over.

It goes very quickly from a sweet nuzzle to a flying elbow in the jaw.  The baby cuddles are a very rare and special treat in this house.  Everyone is too damn busy to lay around cuddling.  I will catch Birdie & Hazel (3-year-old twins) holding hands or kissing each other occasionally.   They get shy in public sometimes and will stick together.  I love it that they seek comfort in one another.  If big sister Mia (6 years old) is around she will drape her arms over each little sister.  Oh and if biggest sister Bella (16-year-old) is around they follow her like she is the Pied Piper of Hamelin. And don’t you dare try to leave my house without giving Hazel a hug and kiss before you leave.  She throws a full on tantrum if you forget. Kid likes her kisses. My favorite type of cuddles are the baby cuddles.  My 11 month old twin boys are quickly leaving the baby phase.  Rocky is running.  Walking is for punks according to him.  His twin brother Lukey is very content on crawling for the time being.  That being said they are on the move and cuddling less and less these days.  For those of you who know me you may be surprised at all this gushy cuddly care bear hug crap.  I know, I know, Not very punk rock of me.  My kids have warmed my black cold heart and made me a rainbow riding butterfly catching sushine farting freak. Yep. it’s true.

This curse was passed along from my Grandmother Janet, to my father Steven, and then enthusiastically to me.  All I have to say is that my father is correct.  I will not list all of the things that I tortured my parents by doing. What’s the point?  My father didn’t share all the details of his youth gone wild days.  I know what I’m in for  and I accept my fate.  It still shocks the shit out of me that I have 6 kids.  Really?  I didn’t even like kids let alone want to have a half-dozen of them.  I believe I refered to them as whiny snot nosed brats.  Now they are MY whiny snot nosed brats.  It’s a game changer.  I wouldn’t trade any of my sunshine trolls for anything in the universe.  I think this whole family curse thing however has targeted me a bit unfairly.  I already admitted I was an asshole kid but twins twice???? Come on!  And they all exhibit similar personality traits of yours truly.  Topped with my husband’s irresistible charm it’s quite the mix.  So be careful if you decide to procreate and one of these nifty family curses are in place.  They can be a real doozy people!!!

I just don’t think anyone other than my husband and my teenage step-daughter fully understand what our insane reality is really like. Many of our friends get a small taste but I just don’t think its possible for them to fully understand unless you do it 24/7 like myself. My life is so full and beautiful but very far from easy. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my life was not meant to be easy. If it was I would probably be bored to tears. A life well lived is full of struggle. This struggle has earned me lots of rewards. I just wanted to share with you all a typical day in the life at my house.

5:45-6:20 Normal wake up time for the entire clan.  I usually hear the 10 month old twin boys yelling from their cribs ready to get their boob on. Bird, Haze, and Mia usually appear at the side of my bed asking me about the weather for the day. One of them usually jumps on my head and asks if they slept good last night. My teenage step-daughter says a quick goodbye and heads out the door to school.

6:20-7:00 Nursing the twin boys while lying in bed. This is turning into quite the circus show. They punch each other and try pulling on the cat’s tail all while trying to nurse. I often yelp in pain due to nipplelash(nipple still in mouth while yanking it like taffy). Twin A Mr. Luke likes to nuzzle with the cat every morning. It melts my heart every time he does this. The cat head butts him on the head and he laughs wildly.

7:00-8:30 My husband heads downstairs with the kids while I shower and brush my teeth. If I skip this step I regret it by the day’s end. Dan makes the coffee and starts breakfast with the kids. It’s like being a short order cook. Kids shout out orders from every direction. “I WANT A BANANA!!!”  ”GIVE ME TOAST!!!” “SMOOTHIES!!!” My husband handles most of the requests while I feed the twin boys in their high chairs. They are so damn messy at this age that I usually wash them down head to toe after every meal.  Let’s not even discuss the mess they leave on the floor.  It’s like a slug trail.  During all this I am shouting at our 18-year-old dachshund for scavenging for scraps like a deranged junkie. After mealtime I argue with my 6-year-old Mia about picking her outfit for school. She battles me about wearing underwear almost every god damn day. The kid HATES undies. There are usually a few time outs for at least one of the 3-year-old twins at this point. It’s usually because Birdie has whacked someone in the face. Nice. I brush Mia’s hair, load her backpack, pack her lunch, and kiss her and Dan goodbye. He drops her off and heads to work for the day.

9:00 Twin boys nap time. Nurse them to sleep. This is when I write for my blog, check FB, return emails… The twin girls are usually calmer once their big sister Mia leaves for school. They watch a TV show or play with their doll house for a bit. This is normally the calmest part of the day.

10:30/11:30  The  twin boys wake up and tear up the house with their twin sisters. Two sets of twins can really wreck the joint. I try at this point to clean up the house, do the laundry, and wash the dishes. I get all the kids dressed for the day and try like hell to leave the house for a walk or play in the park. Sometimes I give up and stay inside because it’s quite the task loading all the kids up alone. I try to make a game out of it but some days I just throw in the towel. They cry, fight, hug, play, kiss, whine, laugh, and taunt me. hah.

12:00 LUNCHTIME Feed two sets of twins. Enough said.

1:30 Twin boys nap. Sometimes I can get the twin girls to crash out on the couch but it’s rare. I have them play in the yard so they don’t wake up their brothers. Some one usually steps in dog shit or scrapes their knee. We should buy stock in band-aid and Dr. Bronner’s soap.

2:45  Load up all the kids and pick up Mia at school. It’s a 30 minute drive. The boys really don’t like the car so they scream most of the ride. Bird & Haze usually pass out for the ride.

3:30 Mia gets in and we either drive home or bring her to an afterschool class depending on the day. She has Skateboarding class on Tuesdays and MMA on Mondays and Wednesday.

5:00 Feed twin boys dinner. Wrangle kids until my husband gets home. It’s like herding cats.

6:00/6:30 My husband gets home and makes dinner.  I am the world’s most awful cook. I sometimes will order dinner if I’m in the mood for sushi.  Dinnertime is chaos. We try very hard to make this an enjoyable time.  The yelling and screaming coming from our little sunshine trolls is ear shattering. I pour myself a glass of wine. Maybe two. Depends on the day.

7:00 Bath time for the babies. Bath, PJ’s, sleep sacks, and a boobie session and the boys are usually down before 8pm.

7:45/8:00  I head out quite often at night to meet with doula clients. So the husband puts the 3 girls to bed while I’m off doing my doula hustle. The girls each require 1 book in each of their beds. Their beds are lined up in a row and it reminds me of a scene in Annie. “It’s a hard knock life for us…” My step-daughter is with us half the time so she usually retreats to her room to hide and get some quiet time once the little girls’ bedtime rolls around.

9:00 ALL KIDS ASLEEP.

10:00 Get home from meeting with doula clients. Hang with hubby for a bit.

11:00/12:00 BED

AND REPEAT…

This is a typical day. If I am off at a birth Dan wrangles all the little ones alone. Props to big Daddy for running the show when I’m gone. It’s very hard but rewarding work.  I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my crazy life.

I obviously get tattooed to honor the birth of my babies.  I’m waiting until I stop the breast-feeding to get two traditional eagles holding name banners under my collar bones. “Lucky & Rocky” I tend to lean towards names rather than birthdate, footprints, etc. But to each their own.  I think it’s a very sweet way to honor all my babies existence. I recently got my teenage stepdaughter’s name tattooed on my arm.  I felt incomplete without her pretty name on my arm.  My husband has all of the kids names tattooed in script on his arms/hands.  I also have the greatest friends who gave me these rings as a gift  by Bittersweet. They are engraved with all my babies names on them.  I never take them off.  I guess I honor my babies through gold and ink.  I have friends that honor their babes by planting a tree or framing keepsakes to hang on the wall.  What special ways do you honor your baby’s birth?

I first want to apologize if I have ever asked you this question.  It’s none of my damn business.  I have asked this question before in hopes of expanding my parenting posse.  My intentions are always well-meaning but might be downright rude or hurtful to someone else. For that I am sorry.  I do have a handful of childless friends but this group gets smaller as each year passes.  Some of these friends are quite content not wanting kids…EVER.  I respect that.  It’s something I never thought I would want to do either but here I am loving pregnancy, birth, babies, and kids.  I’m a junkie for this Mom crap. But I should never assume that someone else would enjoy being a parent like I do.  When you ask someone the question “So when are you having a baby?”, you don’t know the person’s private history.  They may have had multiple miscarriages and have been wanting that baby more than you could ever even imagine.  Some people may be on a journey to adopt or to find a surrogate.  These are things they will share with you if they choose. Some people are %100 okay without having kids and might get annoyed at all the questions from friends, family, and co-workers. There is nothing wrong with having a dozen kids or none at all.  Different strokes for different folks.  The next time you go to ask this question maybe stop and ask yourself if it’s really any of your business.

Oh the name game.  I loved skimming through name books and searching online to spark some ideas for naming my babies.  Some people know what they are naming their little bundle way before they even get pregnant.  For me I never thought I’d have 1 kid to name let alone 5!!!  The one thing that shocked me during this process was that people were so quick to give you their negative opinions.  Of course if I ask you your opinion I would hope that it was honest.  Most of the time I wasn’t asking for opinions but answering the question that gets asked again and again while pregnant,”What are you naming the baby?”  With my first baby I got nothing but positive responses from friends and family.  I can’t help but wonder if this was only because of the popularity of the name Mia.  My second pregnancy I was left with the overwhelming task of naming not just 1 but 2 baby girls.  Everyone had something to say about my choices and most were negative.  Honestly I don’t really care what other people say so it didn’t sway me when I picked the names Birdie and Hazel for my twin girls.  The thing that pissed me off was when friends/family would flat-out say “I don’t like that.” Wow really because that’s what I’m naming them so deal with it.  Then you hear the list of reasons why the name sounds like an old lady name or why they will be made fun of their entire school age years. We told everyone while pregnant with the second set of twins they would be Herbie and Basil. Hah. That went over well. The thing about uncommon or different names is that in Brooklyn/NYC is that uncommon is the norm.  I actually know another little girl with the name Birdie.  In that same neighborhood my daughter went to school with 2 kids named Bowie and played with a handful of Blues and Wolfies.  My one piece of advice for expecting parents is to ignore what anyone says in regards to naming your babies.  It will only get you angry and make you question what you know in your heart is the right choice.  My advice for family/friends that don’t like someone’s name choices for their new bundle is to keep it to yourself unless your opinion is asked for.  Shit I don’t care if you name your kid Ebenezer.  Now I will end this on a positive baby naming note and list some fun baby names of friends and ideas for my next set of twins. Kidding.

GIRLS – Pearl, Cora (Coraline), Eloise, Skye, Penelope, Tallulah, Nova, Poppy, Pepper, Vivienne, Cordelia, Flora, Bunny, Ivy, Valentine, Maggie (Margaret), Winnie (Winifred), Josephine, Marilyn, Sparrow, Marcela, Beatrice. Imogen, and Tilly.

BOYS – Chet, Alden, Leroy, Sonny, Rene, River, True, Ike, James, Louis, Floyd, Moss, Monty, Walter, Mateo, Phoenix, Tanner, Leo, Vinny, Bear, Nash, Theo, Carmine and Benny.

Okay so you’re blissfully pregnant and perhaps unaware of some of the shocking things that may happen to your body.  I’m someone who truly loves being pregnant and feels that it’s a magical experience.  That being said I was blown away at some of the crazy f’ed up things that happened to my body.  I’ve also had friends share some of the shocking changes that left them surprised and not so thrilled about this whole pregnancy thing.

1. Varicose Veins – YUCK! I mean really?  I had no idea that these things could happen on my lady bits.  Twin pregnancies cause you to carry some extra weight putting pressure on the pelvis and restricting blood flow causing these beauties.  Let’s just say it’s like having elephantiasis of the labia.  Are you turned on yet?  Some ladies get these rope like veins on their legs as well.  I am thankful that all has returned to normal downstairs after I delivered my twins.  Thank goodness.

2. Hemorrhoids – I’m not really sure that I have to say much more.  A large percentage of women during their third trimester of pregnancy will get these horribly painful guests.  Some even appear after delivery.  Painful and not so pretty.

3. Stretch Marks – I got some on my boobs during my first pregnancy and my belly was unscathed.  First twin pregnancy I came out with 1!  I was thrilled and still was able to wear a bikini.  Second twin pregnancy tore me up. They were very itchy and sometimes painful. My belly has a good amount of these battle wounds that I’m learning to be proud of.  Good news is that they fade.  My purple zebra stripes are now a light pink at 8 months post partum.  I am looking for a sexy one-piece swimsuit.

4. Acne – Can you say “teenage girl”? Geez.  I had a full on pizza face.  Something about being pregnant with boys made me break out like crazy.  It got much better after delivery. So much for that pregnancy glow that I had while pregnant with my girls.

5. Constipation – Fiber, Fiber, Fiber.  Doesn’t happen with every pregnancy but when it does it’s no fun. Blame those pregnancy hormones for this one.  Sometimes constipation will bring his ugly unwelcome friend the hemorrhoid.

6. Spider Veins – Little purple roadmaps on your legs. Increased blood circulation during pregnancy causes them. I have seen some serious damage to a few good friends from theses unsightly veins.  The good news is that they are harmless and fairly easy to remove these days with laser treatments. Keeping up your vitamin C during pregnancy may help prevent them.  They are hereditary so you may just be shit out of luck.

7. Linea Negra – It’s that dark line that may be running from your navel to your pubic bone. During pregnancy this line darkens and may be caused by the imbalance in hormones. It usually pops up around the 4th or 5th month of pregnancy.  Mine seemed to last forever and has just fully faded.

8. Discolored Vagina – Yep I said it.  Its may look like your vagina just lost a prize-fight. Purple, angry, and bruised looking.  Fear not this usually is cleared up after delivery.

9. My Boobies – During pregnancy they look amazing.  I was surprised how big they actually got.  I finally had some big old fun bag stripper tits.  I’m not going to talk about what happens after nursing twins in this post. Let’s just say pancake milk duds.  Enjoy those boobies while you got em.

10. Charlie Horses – There were some nights that I woke up screaming and clutching my lower leg.  Not too sure what causes them but my husband was convinced it was a potassium deficiency and I ate bananas by the bunches.  It didn’t really help.

That’s my top ten.  I know there are many other shocking things that I haven’t listed but I could go on forever.  Enjoy your pregnancies the best that you can.  Pregnancy is a truly magical and amazing experience even if you are plagued with veins in your crotch.  I actually miss my pregnant body.  I’m also nuts and a true birth/pregnancy addict.

xo