Beautiful Madhouse

1. I’ve been covered in poop, pee, and puke so many times that I put GG Allen to shame.

2. I have never once hit any of my children out of anger. Lord knows there are times that I fantasized about slapping their snotty little faces.

3. I have two sets of twins, a singleton, and a teenage step-daughter. I have not been commited to a loony bin…YET. Success!

4. When sickness hits my house it’s no joke. I have a quarantine room where I banish Typhoid Mary until her symptoms subside. It’s usually a full month of sickness and I’m the head nurse on 24 hour shifts.

5. I survive bath and bed time chaos every day. I put 5 kids in the tub and them get them off to bed. If you have kids you know that this shit is no joke.

6. Dinner is like being a guard in a jailhouse cafeteria. Lots of being shanked with forks and fist fights over food. I’ve finally managed to get them to all to sit at the table which was a huge undertaking.

7. I pushed out 5 babies. Nuff said.

8. I breastfed all 5 of my kids and sacrificed having normal looking breasts ever again. Breastfeeding two sets of twins= pancake tits. I’d happily do it all over again 100 Xs. I miss breastfeeding.

9. My laundry piles would make you shudder in fear. Do me a favor and never complain about doing/folding/putting away laundry. We wash clothes for a total of 9 people. I wish a magical little laundry elf lived in my basement.

10. Because all Mommas deserve to be recognized for all the hard work and sacrifice we make every day for our children. I will continue to work my ass off so I can be the best Mommy I can. It’s the best job in the planet but also the most difficult at times. Celebrate your MOM!!! Host your own parade which just means showing your appreciation in any way you can. A parade with floats, flowers, and a marching band sound nice.

Happy 4th Birthday to my beautiful twin girls. Thank you for being my babies. I am one lucky Momma. You girls prepped me well for this whole twin thing. Never thought after having you twin nuggets that I would have another set of twins only 2 short years later. Birdie & Hazel you and your siblings are my world. Love you.

My 18 month old twin boys are climbing everything! I can’t turn my head for a damn second. Luke has already had 6 stitches put in his lip for surfing a chair to the ground. We have NO chairs around our dining room table.  You would think that would slow them down. WRONG.  They are so different from my twin girls. I told the girls “NO” and they eventually got it. Not right away but I never had to remove the chairs from the dining room. Dinner time in our house has evolved to a new level of chaos. Where do we all sit you ask? I’m not really sure. Let’s just say it’s a bigger mess than you can ever imagine. Well, unless you have two sets of twins plus a few extra kids tacked on to insure utter mayhem. I started a series of photos documenting where I kept finding the twin boys. Usually it was Rocky so I titled it “Where’s Rocky?”. Occasionally his partner in crime Lucky Luke would join in on the daily climb. People wonder why I claim that the boys are not fit for public at this age. Here’s the proof. Enjoy the photos.

1. Babies will eventually sleep.  Really they will.  Everyone is so quick to give you advice and/or tips on getting your baby to sleep.  I had two sets of fucking twins trust me they will sleep. There is no magic trick or sleep training method that will work for every baby.  Trust your gut and know that sleep deprivation is only just a phase of this new parenting journey.

2. NYC Playground Mommies can be judgemental catty bitches.  It’s a drama filled highschool  flashback.  I enjoy making new friends and will often strike up a conversation and get the once over twice.  Really? WTF?  I just wanted to talk to another adult. I thought that by becoming a mommy I joined this sorority of sisterhood created by the bonds of motherhood.  I was wrong. I’m a stupid hippie.

3. No one will ever understand having two sets of twins unless they have two sets of twins.   Friends and family may get a glimpse of my beautiful madhouse but I’m alone with my husband to really understand the magnitude of this journey.

4. I will never need to buy a new pair of high heels again. EVER.  I wear heels 2X a year if I’m lucky.  Wearing fuck me pumps and pushing a double stroller looks dumb.

5. I really love being a parent.  I was worried that  I really got myself into a mess of ass-wiping and wrangling screaming snot nosed kids.  Well I did and I’m so lucky and grateful for it.  I love being a mom more and more each day.  I have sunshine and rainbows shooting out of my ass.  yay.

Holy SHIT!!!! I did it.  I survived a year with two sets of twins, a 6-year-old, & a teenager.  I can’t believe the hand in life that I was dealt sometimes.  I waffle back and forth from feeling like the luckiest lady in the universe to saying “WHY ME????”  Being a mom to all these kids has been the hardest most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am utterly exhausted.  Happy Birthday to my sweet sons who were born peacefully at home in my bed a year ago. I love snails and puppy dog tails.

Holy crap it’s been 3 years already? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. Happy birthday to my darling terrors.  I love you ladies more than words can describe.  You two have me constantly cracking up.  A few days ago Hazel decided to wipe Birdie’s shitty bum for her. She ended up getting poop all over the bathroom and Birdie’s back.  I just wonder whose idea it was to have Hazel wipe Bird’s butt.  Ahh the twin bond certainly is special.  They fight like crazy and hug like crazy.  I can’t believe how different they are from one another its shocking that they are even twins.  It makes them even more unique.  Girls you have taught me patience and to love even deeper than I thought humanly possible.  I love you my birthday wonder twins. xo

I sometimes wonder what being a twin is like.  I watch Birdie & Hazel  fight like crazy sometimes.  They know exactly how to piss the other one off royally.  I recently noticed that they are starting to be more affectionate with one another when they are shy.  Birdie will often reach out and grab Hazel’s hand.  I nearly cried the first time I watched them strut down the sidewalk holding hands the entire way to the park.  Is there a magic twin bond?  They would also hold hands when I would nurse them together as infants.  I really hope that they always have a strong connection.  The sweet part is that their older sister Mia is very much included in the group.  The three of them have bonded even more after the birth of their twin brothers.  I also need to make sure Mia (my singleton) doesn’t feel left out being a non-twin.  Knowing that her big sister Bella (my step-daughter) is also a singleton makes her feel a special connection with her.  I also watch my 8 month old twin boys Luke & Rocco interact with one another and can’t help but wonder about the twin connection.  Maybe being a singleton I ‘ll never understand.  I just make twins but don’t know what its like to be one. Maybe they will have magic twin super powers and change the world.  Twin powers unite!!!

Second set of twins.  Here we go.  My last birth story.  I was working as a doula once twins Birdie and Hazel were about 6 months old.  I was around pregnant women and birth constantly.  I thought I was done with babies after I had my twin girls.  I adored them but they were hard work.  My husband was definitely finished with having more kids.  I then caught the baby having bug bad.  I asked Dan for just one more baby.  I romanticized about the idea of 1 baby. Dan was convinced we would have twins again.  I said “Lighting doesn’t strike twice.” Boy was I wrong!  After my twin girls anything seemed easy to me.  He wouldn’t budge and I would periodically ask him hoping he’d change his mind.  He didn’t but the universe was on my side.  We used the rhythm method because I don’t do well with hormone based birth control.  Obviously it didn’t prove very effective in this instance.  I remember my excitement and feelings of guilt when I got a positive pregnancy test.  I knew Dan wasn’t going to have the same level of excitement that I had.  For his birthday I gave him the positive pregnancy test wrapped in a box.  He was shocked and didn’t really talk about it for a week or two.  I guess he needed time to let the news sink in.  I was set on a homebirth this time around and decided to once again get checked by my OB before finding a homebirth midwife.  I started to google twins twice.  What where my chances? 1 in 3000 apparently.  I lurked in a few expecting multiples forums online.  I guess I had this sixth sense that it might be twins again.  Dan already was 100% convinced that we were having twins again.  He came with me to the appointment.  As soon as my OB started the ultrasound Dan knew what he was looking at.  TWINS!!!!  We laughed, we cried, and then we were silent.  What the hell were we going to do?  How would we break the news to my step-daughter Bella?  I knew she loved her sisters but wasn’t thrilled with the whole baby thing.  Especially twins again.  This was the biggest shock of my entire life.  It’s hard to even describe the feeling.  Everyone got used to the idea eventually. Most people didn’t believe me at first.  I remember being nervous right before my 18 week anatomy scan thinking that something was wrong with the babies. I over google things like vanishing twin syndrome and it made my anxiety go through the roof.  While riding the train to the hospital a set of teenage twin boys sat across from me with the exact same voice.  I had this intense sense of relief wash over me.  I knew at that moment even before the ultrasound that my babies were going to be okay and that they were boys.  I was right and Dan was thrilled.  He was finally going to have a son after 4 daughters. 2 of them!  I decided to seek dual care for the duration of the pregnancy. I felt like I was cheating on my OB because I never told her my plan of a homebirth.  My midwife was only willing to deliver my twins at home if they were born after 36 weeks.  I agreed that this was a good goal to reach in order to proceed with a safe delivery. She was also thrilled that they were di/di (dizygotic (“fraternal”) because they develop from two separate eggs that are fertilized by two separate sperm), which decreases the risks associated with a twin delivery.  I reached the 36 week goal and then some.  I carried my boys to 39 weeks and 3 days.  I was walking around dilated to 5cm for weeks!  My OB offered many times to break my water and get the show on the road.  I was tempted.  But I dreaded delivering in the hospital if it wasn’t medically necessary. I cried everyday for the last few weeks.  It was hard carrying those boys so long but worth it.  I went into labor around 7am on July 2nd.  I woke up and started contracting right away.  My mother, aunt, and sister all had spent the night.  My sister was actually in town to visit the new babies that I hadn’t given birth to yet because no one thought I would carry them to almost  40 weeks!  It worked out perfectly that they were all there.   They made the kids some breakfast and brought them to the park while Dan called the midwife.  My contractions were hard and fast.  I knew that this was going to be a quick labor.  I hopped in the shower and let the hot water hit my back.  The contractions came with lots of pressure.  This labor felt different from my two previous labors.  I felt in control and relaxed.  I could manage the contractions and I wasn’t running from the pain.  I was embracing them and actually enjoying it.  I got out of the tub rather quickly and it seemed like my midwife just magically appeared.  I labored in my room for a bit and my midwife checked me.  I was fully dilated.  She asked me to stand because my bag of water was bulging.  I stood up and with the next contraction my water broke.  It was a huge relief.  I decided to lay on the bed to rest between the contractions.  I felt like trying to push a little.  I was laughing and joking in between contractions.  I pushed Luke out at 10:05am.  Just 3 short hours after labor began.  I remember pushing him out and thinking what a huge relief it was.  I quickly remembered that I had to push another baby out.  My contractions slowed down a bit and it took a little longer to get my boy Rocco out.  He was born in the caul 46 minutes later at 10:51am.  I remember saying how easy the birth was right after giving birth.  I really enjoyed my birth.  I was so happy that I was able to give birth to my sons at home and that they were huge and healthy.  Luke was 8 pounds and Rocco was 7.9 oz.  They nursed like champs.  Soon after I gave birth my girls came back from the park and climbed into bed with me to meet their new brothers.  It was so sweet it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  I had the perfect birth.  I deserved at least one orgasmic birth right? Hah.  I am so grateful to my amazing midwife who agreed to stand by my side. I really did not have many people supporting my decision to have a homebirth with twins.  She will always hold a special place in my heart.  I am so glad I was able to experience the beauty of a calm and peaceful birth.

This is my birth story of my first set of fraternal twins Birdie and Hazel.  This was a planned pregnancy that turned out to be the biggest shock of my life.  Dan and I decided to try for another baby once Mia turned 2.  Dan was hoping for a boy.  We got married in March of 2008 and were pregnant in July of the same year. I was extremely blessed to get pregnant so easily.  I am very grateful.  I really wanted to have a homebirth this time around.  I decided to go to my regular OB  to get an initial scan of the baby before meeting with a midwife.  At 10 weeks I went in and got an ultrasound. To my complete and utter shock we found out we are pregnant with twins. Holy crap!  We are still shocked.  My OB was doing the ultrasound and I said, “There’s only one right??” Totally kidding. She said, “Oh my gosh there’s 2!”  I almost fell onto the floor.  Shock turned into excitement. I called Dan and he thought I was pulling his chain.  I then became  confused about our birth plan. We really don’t have one anymore. We found a homebirth midwife that said she would still deliver me at home but I had some apprehension. I really needed to examine all of my options and all the risks associated with twins. WOW! Reluctantly I gave up on the home birth plan and I decided to deliver in a hospital as naturally and drug free as possible.  I went on the hunt for a toughy doula who could be a strong voice in the operating room.  Standard procedure is to be in the operating room when delivering twins.  I was not too fond of that part.  I spoke with my OB and she told us that the doula could be in the laboring room but not the operating room.  I decided that Dan would be my primary support person.  She also strongly suggested an epidural.  I wasn’t even considering it.  Now it was strongly recommended if I hoped for a vaginal birth. At 35 weeks I went to my OB and she said that all looked good. Both babies were in the vertex position.  She said it might be a few days or weeks. Hard to tell with twins.  I was in constant pain from the weight of the babies.  I put on 40/50 lbs at  this point.  Little did I know that I would go into labor a day later. Here’s a picture of me a few days before I gave birth.

I woke up with some cramps.  I first thought it might have been the burger that I had for dinner.  Dan was convinced that this was not labor.  It was around 7am and we were just waking up.  The contractions became consistent almost immediately.  They were 3 minutes apart right form the get go.  I knew we needed to head in to the hospital.  I was nervous that it would be as quick as my previous birth with Mia.  We headed to the hospital.  The experience in a hospital was very different from my previous experience in a birthing center within a hospital.  I was checked and admitted.  I think I was around 6/7 cm.  I got the epidural pretty quickly because they insisted on constant fetal monitoring.  I couldn’t move from the bed.  I also kept knocking off the monitors while I was contracting.  My labor slowed down once I got the epidural.  I have a feeling that if I didn’t get it I would have delivered very quickly.  I was in labor about 8 hours total so it was still pretty quick. At one point during the labor the OB that was on-call and there to deliver my girls offered a c-section because of their size difference.  I declined and said I would only get a c-section in an emergency situation.   Once I was fully dilated they wheeled me into the operating room.  I pushed for 15 minutes and Birdie came out easily at 3:06pm.  The OB applied a little fundal pressure and I pushed out Hazel at 3:12pm.  She came out sunny side up.  I was able to nurse them right away and they had no health issues being born at 35 weeks and 3 days. Hazel weighed 6.7oz and Birdie was my peanut at 5.8oz. I was in daze for the fist few days.  Holy shit I just had twins.  I love my girls and was so grateful that they were born vaginally and healthy.  I must admit that I hated giving birth in a hospital. My anxiety was high and it contributed to intensifying my labor pains.  This experience is what inspired me to become a doula.  I knew that birthing twins could be done naturally at home.  I didn’t know that I would have a chance to give it go again a few short years later with my second set of twins. Story to follow.