Beautiful Madhouse

1. I’ve been covered in poop, pee, and puke so many times that I put GG Allen to shame.

2. I have never once hit any of my children out of anger. Lord knows there are times that I fantasized about slapping their snotty little faces.

3. I have two sets of twins, a singleton, and a teenage step-daughter. I have not been commited to a loony bin…YET. Success!

4. When sickness hits my house it’s no joke. I have a quarantine room where I banish Typhoid Mary until her symptoms subside. It’s usually a full month of sickness and I’m the head nurse on 24 hour shifts.

5. I survive bath and bed time chaos every day. I put 5 kids in the tub and them get them off to bed. If you have kids you know that this shit is no joke.

6. Dinner is like being a guard in a jailhouse cafeteria. Lots of being shanked with forks and fist fights over food. I’ve finally managed to get them to all to sit at the table which was a huge undertaking.

7. I pushed out 5 babies. Nuff said.

8. I breastfed all 5 of my kids and sacrificed having normal looking breasts ever again. Breastfeeding two sets of twins= pancake tits. I’d happily do it all over again 100 Xs. I miss breastfeeding.

9. My laundry piles would make you shudder in fear. Do me a favor and never complain about doing/folding/putting away laundry. We wash clothes for a total of 9 people. I wish a magical little laundry elf lived in my basement.

10. Because all Mommas deserve to be recognized for all the hard work and sacrifice we make every day for our children. I will continue to work my ass off so I can be the best Mommy I can. It’s the best job in the planet but also the most difficult at times. Celebrate your MOM!!! Host your own parade which just means showing your appreciation in any way you can. A parade with floats, flowers, and a marching band sound nice.

Happy 4th Birthday to my beautiful twin girls. Thank you for being my babies. I am one lucky Momma. You girls prepped me well for this whole twin thing. Never thought after having you twin nuggets that I would have another set of twins only 2 short years later. Birdie & Hazel you and your siblings are my world. Love you.

I can list a million things to complain about. Not enough money, time, space, etc, etc, etc… But today I am not going to. I have been surrounded lately by so much loss and sadness. I will not take my healthy beautiful children for granted. Yes, I snap at them and get frustrated when they hit one another or dump juice into the turtle tank. But I am so thankful that they are all here with me on this crazy journey. I am not perfect. I am not super woman or super mom. I mess up daily. But I will try my damnedest to be the best mother that I can be. Instead of yammering on about the things that bother me I am going to start each day thanking the universe for another day that I get to be with my family. I cherish the moments when they run into the sunlight holding hands singing at the top of their little lungs about how beautiful the world is. My life is crazy busy and extremely difficult at times. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Thank You Universe!

My 18 month old twin boys are climbing everything! I can’t turn my head for a damn second. Luke has already had 6 stitches put in his lip for surfing a chair to the ground. We have NO chairs around our dining room table.  You would think that would slow them down. WRONG.  They are so different from my twin girls. I told the girls “NO” and they eventually got it. Not right away but I never had to remove the chairs from the dining room. Dinner time in our house has evolved to a new level of chaos. Where do we all sit you ask? I’m not really sure. Let’s just say it’s a bigger mess than you can ever imagine. Well, unless you have two sets of twins plus a few extra kids tacked on to insure utter mayhem. I started a series of photos documenting where I kept finding the twin boys. Usually it was Rocky so I titled it “Where’s Rocky?”. Occasionally his partner in crime Lucky Luke would join in on the daily climb. People wonder why I claim that the boys are not fit for public at this age. Here’s the proof. Enjoy the photos.

So some of you may already know that I have become an Auntie. I flew out to California to meet my little nephew Borden. He decided to make an early arrival at 36 weeks. My Mom and I flew out with my 15 month old twin boys. Click here to read that post. This sweet little man is also very lucky because he has my name as his middle name. I will try my hardest to train him to follow his namesake. My brother-in-law and sister might regret this. Hah. I am so touched and honored that he was given my name. Damn tears… Dragging the twin boys across the country was not fun but this photo made it all worth it. My boys met their first cousin. I hope that they become best friends. I think about all my cousins and how close we all are. I consider many of them to be more like my siblings rather than cousins. When we were kids we spent every weekend at their house. All of my childhood memories include my cousins. I can only hope that our kids all have the same connection we did growing up. I love you guys.

I love this time of year when you have a half a dozen kids. They get so excited picking pumpkins and choosing their Halloween costumes. I am a bit of a Debbie downer and don’t ever really dress up. I think I may need to get with the program and change that. I am not too cool for a full on costume even though I may act like it. I tend to get annoyed at all the over zealous Halloween freaks. I’m talking about the ones that spend weeks/months planning and preparing the perfect costume. It’s like dealing with a bridezilla that needs every damn detail to be absolutely perfect for one fucking day. Seems stupid to me. I also may be influenced by a few dates that I went on in my college days with a guy that worked at a year round Halloween store. He loved Halloween in a very obsessive and scary way. The dates quickly stopped once I realized he liked to wear fishnet stockings EVERYDAY underneath his jeans & doc martins. Made me steer clear of Halloween stores for a good while. I am also really bothered that every costume for women in the stores are a whore version of the actual costume. Slutty Spongebob? Really? The way we view women in this society is depressing and needs to change. Thanks goodness I am raising strong empowered women that will run this country one day. Anyway I realize that I am sucking the fun out of the holiday for my not yet so jaded children. In the long run my kids will appreciate a mother who has fun with them and shares in the festivities instead of cheering from the sidelines. Any ideas for a costume?

Okay I know it’s not the norm in NYC to have 6 kids but do you have to gawk at me with your mouth wide open? I was at the park the other day minding my own business when this lady walked up behind me and 5 of the kids and just stared with a shocked expression for a full 5 minutes without mustering even one word. I kept waiting for her to say something. She then huffed off with a disgusted look on her face.  This unfortunately isn’t an isolated incident. Even if I venture out without any kids to a grown up event like a wedding or a party I find that I get such negative responses when I tell people how many kids I have. “Oh my GOD WHY???” “You do know what birth control is right?” “Are you crazy?” I have never been a very insecure person but I am finding that these occurrences are bringing out some insecurities in me. I wonder if I am being judged or made fun of by these strangers. I never really cared in the past what people’s opinions of me were so why am I so concerned of how people view my family now? Maybe it’s because I try so damn hard to be a good parent and I’d like to be viewed as one. Not as that crazy tattooed doula lady with all the fucking kids. I don’t want to focus only on the negative experiences in this post. There are many amazing positive encounters with people who share their love of kids and big families. Many thanks to these sweet well intended strangers. I am extremely lucky and grateful for my beautiful children. All half-dozen of them. I just wish people didn’t stare at us like circus freaks sometimes. That’s all. Rant over.

Holy shit! I made it. I flew across the country with my 15 month old twin boys and back again. 4 flights in total. Layovers, delays, and seat changes oh my. You may be wondering WHY? My only sister gave birth a month early to a beautiful baby boy. I had to go see her and my new nephew. Nothing was going to stop me. I will write a separate post about my sweet nephew who carries my name (Lindsey) as a middle name. Lucky fucker! I called my mother and asked her if she was willing to take off work and help me wrangle the twins on a cross-country adventure. She didn’t even hesitate and agreed.  Little did my mom know what was in store for us. I definitely could not have done it alone.  I traveled on an airplane once before with my first set of twins 2 years ago for a funeral. My dear friend agreed to help me on the flight.  I still feel horrible for what I put my friend through on that trip. It was a quick flight and we had no layovers. It was still awful and filled with screaming babies and hairy eyeballs from the other passengers. I vowed to never fly with twins again.  And I did it again.  My mother was an amazing help and I couldn’t have done it without her.  We learned a lot about flying with 15 month olds.  I will share a short list for y’all.

1) 12-18 months is the worst age to fly with a child/children. Avoid it all costs if possible.

2) Have a ton of snacks and drinks for you and your kids.

3) Bring balloons, keys, books, iPad, toys, wallet to open, straws, and anything that grabs their attention for longer than a minute.

4) Offer to buy alcoholic beverages for the surrounding passengers.  A friend with twins handed out ear plugs when they took a flight recently.  People warm up to you pretty quickly when they see that you are making an effort to keep your kid quiet and calm.  Many parents don’t give a shit if their kids yell and kick seats and feel entitled to let their kids run amok because they paid for the seats.  This may be okay for you but you are ruining it for the rest of us that take other passengers into consideration.  When my mother and I sat at our seats with the twins we got the most horrific looks from our fellow travelers.  By the end of the flight the woman seated next to my mom who rolled her eyes upon us getting on the plane  was holding one of my twins and kissing his cheeks.  I overheard the lady next to me saying to her husband “Ugh, I knew they were going to be seated next to us. Humph.”  By the end of the flight she was singing me high praises and calling me her hero.

5) Make many trips to the bathroom.  The babies love pulling the toilet paper and splashing in the water.  Whatever keeps them busy.

6) Order a cocktail for yourself.  It took the edge off of the whole experience. Smiling and laughter are good medicine as well.  I was faking a grin the whole flight and it actually helped.

7) Always take direct flights.  I will never try to cram all that traveling into one day with babies again.  They were so over stimulated and crabby that I felt bad for them.  Poor babies. Poor me. Poor Uma (my mother)

8) Know your seat assignments prior to boarding.  You can only have one lap infant per row because of the amount of oxygen masks.  Be prepared to seat separately if you are traveling with twin infants.  Purchasing a seat will insure you are in the same row. I just didn’t have the cheddar to make that happen this flight.

9) Bring a stroller and check all bags except your diaper bag. It’s worth the extra cost.  Lugging kids and suitcases suck bigtime.

10) Always keep in mind that you will reach your destination and can put all this traveling stress behind you.  My husband had dinner, wine, and ice cream waiting for my mom and I upon arriving home. Thanks buddy.

I want to give a big super-duper shout out and thanks to my Mom, who I probably won’t see until next year.  I don’t blame you Mom that was a crazy difficult journey.  You will only ever understand the difficulty unless you go through it and we deserve fucking medals.  My new nephew was worth all of it. xo

Let me start this post by letting you know that my little nugget Luke is fine.  The twin boys were climbing the dining room chairs in order to get on the table and then scream at me to get them down.  Rocco was dancing on top of the table when I ran over to get him down Luke was climbing a chair and ended up surfing it to the floor splitting his lip open.  Of course I was alone with all the kids when it happened.  I had to keep reminding myself to remain calm.  Dan was off surfing at the Rockaways and the nanny was due to arrive in an hour. I knew by looking at the cut that the little guy would need some stitches.  After 6 kids this is the first time any of my kids needed a stitch.  I was surprised that Luke would be the first. My nanny arrived and I headed into Manhattan to tackle the ER alone. Ugh.  I knew that as soon as Dan got in from surfing he would check his phone and join me.  He arrived to the ER just in the nick of time to hold Luke’s head still while they stitched him up.  I am not a queasy person and can watch surgeries and feel comfortable around blood etc…but when your own baby is in pain it rips your fucking heart out.  He ended up needing 6 stitches in his lip.  The plastic surgeon and the ER pediatrician were amazing.  They made our experience much more bearable. Something else happened because of this ER trip as well.  I have mentioned Luke’s birthmark in previous posts.  For those of you who may not know my twin baby boy Luke was born with a large congenial nevus on his forehead.  We have decided to have it removed for both cosmetic and medical reasons.  He has an increased risk of melanoma due to the size of the birthmark.  As I was driving to the hospital I received a phone call from a plastic surgeon’s office that needed to reschedule an appointment for the 3RD TIME!!!  I was fed up at that point with their office and decided to look for another doctor for a consultation.  After we met with Luke’s ER plastic surgeon we decided to have a consultation with him about the birthmark when he removes the stitches in Luke’s lip this Friday.  I have to believe that  these things all happen for a reason.  I’ll update you all after we have our appointment. Wish us luck.

Having daughters is really awesome and really freaking hard.  I think it’s because my girls are all a bit dramatic in their own special way.  I’m not implying that ALL girls are dramatic but mine sure are.  Well they learn from the best.  My husband and I can be the drama king and queen at times.  He’ll deny it though.  I however embrace my dramatic flair.  It always amazes me how something as simple as eating breakfast can be a real diva filled  fiasco.  They fight every morning over the pink fucking spoon.  Why I haven’t gone out and purchased 10 more pink spoons is a wonder. You figure I would have learned by now.  I guess I am a glutton for punishment. As I write this Mia is whimpering on the couch because she’s too tired to walk into the next room to get her bowl of cereal. Good grief. I think the scary part about having daughters is that I see myself in each one of them.  Mia has my stubborn tendencies and the gift of spazziness.  Birdie has my fearlessness and my knack for repeating things over and over again. Miss Hazel is pretty even and happy most of the time like me but if she gets upset steer clear people! They have all inherited my amazing dance moves.  Sorry girls none of you will ever be ballerinas. The one thing that keeps me going are those moments where they all play without arguing or when they kiss and hug one another without me telling them to.  I hope they are the best of friends one day.  There really is nothing better than sisters.